I hope as you read this, you read with a soft heart. There is not bitterness or judgement towards anyone and I hope you see JESUS and not me!
July 16… It is so hard to believe what this day represents and how things can shift and change in a blink of an eye. On this day exactly two years ago I woke up to walk down the aisle in my dream dress, with all my family and friends there to witness, to my best friend. With my life ahead of me, all the hopes and dreams of my future of a family and life with each other, running through my head. Now two years later, I never got to really celebrate an anniversary. Year one, my dreams had been shattered as I struggled to fight for my marriage, one that was hanging on by a thread, a very thin one I might add, believing that some way, some how GOD would step in and perform a miracle. Now on the two year mark, It feels as if the devil won this battle (a lie). As reality slowly sinks in that almost two months ago I sat in a court room and let a judge declare our marriage over.
This sounds like a sob story and to be honest parts of it are. I won’t go into detail about how it got here because it is not just my story to tell and not everyone’s business to know, but I will say that to me, divorce was the last option. I felt at the end of a long year, that the LORD finally told me that I did all I could do and it was time to let go. If you have read my last few post than you have seen my struggle, hurt and heart during this time and know that this was no easy decision. This might also sound nonchalant , but trust me that is not the case but it has been a long year and a half and I have been processing all of this for a while now.
My purpose in writing this post though is that maybe there is one person that needs to hear from someone like me that GOD is not done. We hear so many stories of the miracles GOD does in situations like saving a marriage that seemed beyond repair because one spouse walked in obedience with JESUS and that JESUS blessed that. Which is amazing! Unfortunately though that is not always the case. As for me, not in a prideful way, but honest way, I ran after GOD and held HIM to HIS promises more than ever over the past year, begging HIM to save my marriage. I did all I knew how and believed GOD would do the rest. Now as I sit here typing, there is this overwhelming feeling that GOD didn’t answer my prayers or hold up HIS end of the bargain. That honestly all of my worst nightmares have and are seeming to continue to come true. It seems so easy to look at GOD in anger and say “where were you!” ” Why did you let this happen.” ” Why did you call me to love him, again and again?” and I still don’t have the answers. I have at times literally yelled these things at GOD, and the best part is, HE is not intimidated by my questions and anger. It is hard not to have answers or not be able to see what GOD has in-store for me. Sometimes I feel like everything I did was in vain.
But then I remember how the Bible talks about how the LORD speaks and HIS words do not go out in vain or return empty, but does what HE set it out to do. (Isaiah 55:11) And how HIS ways are higher than our ways. ( Isaiah 55:8-9) and in this moments where I don’t understand or have answers, or feel like the devil won, I can rest in the knowledge that those are lies. I might never know why or how the LORD is using this for HIS glory, but I can trust that HE is. I have to let go of the idea that this life is about me, and dang if that is not the hardest thing to do! I can however look back over this year of heartbreak, unanswered prayers, and chaos, and see how JESUS has literally carried me through it all. I mean I know it sounds crazy but I don’t think HE let my feet touch the ground once, in all the searching for HIM, I found HIM holding me up! Not once did I feel unloved by HIM when I searched for HIS face, HE always meet me there in the quiet, in the tears and renewed me day in and day out. When the world and enemy tried to convince me that HE abandoned me, HE whispered “Fear not, for I AM with you.”
I wish I could tell you that I am not scared, but honestly that is one of my biggest struggles. I am so fearful of so many things, but fear is not from the LORD and as HE speaks into my life, through worship, church, people, and the Bible, the chains of fear fall and shatter at HIS feet. That is why it is so important to do all those things daily, because fears follow you from the night into the morning and the only way to win over the fears is JESUS. When we place our fears and insecurities at the feet of JESUS we let go of this control and really, truthfully live carefree before the LORD. I have felt it and seen it and would never want to live in any other way. When we as Christians truly begin to understand what the word christian actually means we live full and free lives!
I don’t know what my future holds, honestly I am trying to just make it to tomorrow and I daily have to place my life in JESUS’ hands and trust that where HE calls and leads me will be a life fully and completely free in HIM. I know that GOD is not done with me, my situation, my ex, or anyone else that this has affected. Even more so I believe GOD wants you to know HE is not done with you yet. Maybe you are walking through hell right now, maybe your about too or maybe like me you just walked through it, I urge or really beg you to lean on JESUS. To run from the hurt, fear, trouble, temptations and run full force towards JESUS. It doesn’t always mean that everything will work out the way we want, asked, or hoped but it does mean that HE will meet you in your mess and carry you all the way through bringing joy, hope and love. You will begin to have a relationship with JESUS that is so genuine and intimate and overwhelmingly amazing that nothing will ever be enough other than HIM. You can be like me and decide to go for a walk talking with JESUS and end up walking 6 miles because you don’t want to stop talking with HIM! If you asked me now was it worth all of it, even without knowing the real purpose, I would say HELL YES because I began to truly experience JESUS and all HE is and I am in Awe !! You, like me, are not defined by sin, hurt or situations but can find yourself in JESUS and nothing can shake that. HE will put your feet on a rock that can’t be moved!
With all the love,
( He is turning my darkness into dancing, because HE longs to dance with me.)